It has been a tumultuous day. I have felt like I have been in a whirlwind as my children have swirled around me with need...need ....need...and me with my mind realing with all the needs OUTSIDE of my home! Before I continue I want to share something my Uncle sent me today...
He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat.. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.
Today, I feel as if the Lord has been throwing bricks at me and I have been subconsciously dodging them. Many of you know this past few weeks have been HELL, to say the least. Our finances hitting rock bottom...$15 to last two weeks...our cell phones cut off because we can't carry the bill anymore from my work with MIZERO's Tour...our washer STILL broken after 3 weeks and 3 repairmen...our vaccuum breaking...my loss of function for 6 days as I rested to let my mind settle...and then on the heels of my rest period, little Liliana gets very ill with fever, up all night for days, clingy, etc. just now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel! And with all this AT HOME, not to mention ALL 5 PRECIOUS CHILDREN needing what 5 children need EVERY DAY...to have a Fundraising Event to keep up with and my new Mary Kay business to build!
I sat today and wrote out a note that I put on the fridge..."When the Power Serve is over Mommy WILL NOT volunteer for anything else outside the home! Make me accountable! Signed, Mommy!" Caela ended up reading it tonight as she ate her bowl of peas with me and laughed! I told her, "Until Liliana is 5 years old Mommy will not take on a large outside project again! I need to be giving those brain cells and hours to you guys!"
I started this blog because I felt such a heart desire to "pour" into my little garden at home! This was after coming off the MIZERO Tour. Then I felt such a leading to serve as Event Director for our DCA fundraiser! I started my Mary Kay business, because of our need for money beyond Bill's paycheck. These, in and of themselves, are WONDERFUL!!! But I AGAIN, have stepped out of the beautiful garden the Lord has called me to give to FIRST and neglected them for other areas of service.
I realize that I am a selfish, rebellious, controlling person who cannot remain steadfast in tending the INCREDIBLE GARDEN of precious children that He has given to me so graciously! WHY IS THAT? SERIOUSLY!!!
Two things were added to this process this weekend...Friday after school, the children were playing and a friend who, before children, was a principal of an elementary school was sitting on a rock watching her two little preschoolers go up and down the hill. I looked at her face. She was obviously praying for them, or thinking intently about them. I felt the Lord speak to my heart the need to contact her and share with her the witness that she was of focus on what is MOST IMPORTANT in this stage of her little ones lives. Secondly, today a catalog arrived in the mail for homeschooler resources. As many of you know before DCA I homeschooled Caela and Isabella until Caela was in 2nd Grade. This catalog put me back to that place of the hunger to pour into the lives of my children the admonition of the Lord, to spend time reading to them, worshipping with them, teaching them...not only academics, but all manner of life principles in the knowledge of the Lord. All that has gone to the wayside as I RACE THROUGH LIFE in the endeavers of giftedness to serve in other areas.
I grieved a bit today. I ended up venting all of this to my precious, Bill, who was not released from my tirade of revelation for about 30 minutes! = ) I told him, "I know that when Liliana is well and the washer is fixed I will feel better and will probably say...It's ok! I can keep up the pace! But I CAN'T DO THAT ANYMORE!! I need to redirect myself to the BEST...as Oswald Chambers says, The GOOD is the enemy of the BEST! And the Best is you and our little ones! Remember years ago when I read The Excellent Wife and began to put those Biblical Principles into action...you were SO BLESSED and I had never seen you so at peace and joyful and loving! I need to go there again and get settled in TRULY WHAT GOD IS CALLING ME TO and that is to put Him first, YOU second, the CHILDREN third and JOB/MINISTRY last!"
I am sharing all this with you because I desperately want to be in tune with my Jesus's plan for my life and the lives of my precious family. I have been battling this struggle for years now and I'm tired of battling my flesh and my weaknesses, and my sin, in racing about too fast trying to do it all ...and WHY? because I am weak and sinful and fearful of loss. In 5 years, Rwanda will still be in need, DCA will still be in need, The River will still be in need, and WHATEVER ELSE will be in need, but right now...MY CHILDREN - MY LITTLE GARDEN is HERE and in a BLINK OF AN EYE they will vanish into ADULTS and I cannot give another day to that which is outside my garden allowing my garden to grow weeds and brown and lose it's glow and beauty!
I CRIED out to my JESUS tonight! And I CRY OUT to you, my friends and loved ones! PLEASE pray for strength and courage to do a huge turn! To final the commitments I have with our AWESOME Power Serve, and focus my time well for building my MK business with JUST the time that is NEEDED...NO MORE! and to pour my attentions FULLY and WHOLLY onto my husband and my CHILDREN!!! So that our finances will stabilize, our home will be a joy to be in, we will know the sweetness of His Spirit among us and a gentle quiet spirit in Mom...Not a Mad, buzzing Mommy!
Thank you for the time you MAY have taken to read this...I am impressed if you actually made it this far! = ) I treasure your prayers for ALL OF US!! And lastly, please pray for Bill's shoulder. The muscle is atrophied and it seems to be getting worse. Please pray that the Lord would heal it and it will be spared any more loss of function.
We love you all DEARLY!!! Thank you for taking the time to read this! You are SO AMAZING!!! = )
...with the sweetest affection." (1 Peter 1:22).
Cheryl and all us McCarthys